Three more alpha-1 antitrypsin infusions since my last blog. I got number 13 Saturday. I really did not want to get my infusion this weekend. The last 2 were no big deal. Just set up, needle in the vein, sit for an hour, done. But Saturday I just didn't want to do it. I didn't realize it was my 13th time until I counted them up for this blog. I do not like the number 13. Maybe my apprehension was my subconscious letting me know it was the 13th time.
In attempting to find my vein with the needle and get the IV dripping into my body, Bob had to give it about 4 tries this time. "I don't know how heroin addicts do it." That made me laugh. After my infusion Saturday morning Bob and I watched TV for a while, then I took a nap. When I woke up I had a lot of difficulty breathing. Then I got a major headache. I'm telling you, it's that 13 thing. :(
Today is Monday and I'm feeling much better except that I haven't been sleeping well.That's pretty much okay since I can rest as much as I need to throughout the day. I'm thinking the not-sleeping-so-great is probably because it's December, not my favorite time of the year. Too many things haunt me this month. Some days it's all I can do to stay just this side of sane. Some moments I cross the line, but I have crossed that line enough times to quickly recognize where I'm headed, and I drag myself back to sanity, though admittedly not always willingly. And there will be times this month that I will give into it and cry and sob and miss my Amy and attack myself for not being able to save her. But not today I think. Today I feel better just writing about it.
As a fellow COPD blogger put it "depression can and will slip in without notice, and without caring what it does to you." And I just want to add to that very insightful comment "or what it does to your loved ones." I try to hold the darkness at bay. I have learned many tricks over the years to keep it away, though at times I hear it knocking. Ugh, go away. GO AWAY! And sometimes when it gets in anyway it ends up rocking me while I cry and then sleep, and it slips out quietly in the night. Depression has not taken me over completely for a long time and I intend to make sure that it never happens again.
This is a long and wandering blog. Thanks for letting me share with you.
Dee, if you think your bolg wandered then mine must really be all over the place. (LOL LOL) I truly like the continuation of my line in your blog. Those are words I should have used. Thank you for adding them. Your are always finding ways to combat the ill feelig you have, and I loved the comment about how herion addicts do it so so true. As you know I get my infusions at a center and sometimes it takes them 4 sticks before I am good to go. So my hats still off to Bob, just sounds like it was a bad needle day. You find a good thought when talking about depression, thats great kiddo. Keep it up. Take care, Bill
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